13. Using examples of their ex.
Now, let me explain this because most of us have dated previously to whoever we end up with if we’re married. Many people have exes. But the narcissist will use examples of exes to make sure that you behave the way that they want you to. They’ll say, “Oh, my ex used to do this,” or “My ex used to do that,” saying something like, “My ex used to complain all the time, but you don’t, and I’m so glad that you don’t.” It’s a way to make you behave in a way that they want you to. It’s a way to silence any time that you feel like you’re being criticized or that you might complain about something, which is a legitimate thing to do in a relationship. We’re allowed to complain about things.
But to say, “Ah, my ex used to complain so much; I’m so glad you don’t,” planting that seed early helps try to control the way that you behave over the course of the relationship. After that’s been established, you don’t even realize you’re doing it; that’s just become the relationship. Sometimes, there are these ways that they gaslight you, and you don’t realize you’ve been gaslit because that’s just how the relationship has sort of evolved over time.
Recommended Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
14. Another one is what you eat.
So, like, “Are you sure you’re going to eat that?” “Do you really need to eat that right now?” “Are you really that hungry?” Once again, it goes back to the idea of weight; it goes back to the idea of making people feel self-conscious. It goes back to making somebody feel like they can control how others feel. Because narcissists feel this deep-seated need to control everyone around them, especially their romantic partners. They also use statements like, “Oh, you’re so beautiful,” only so that later on they can be like, “Yeah, you know, maybe you shouldn’t eat that,” or “Maybe you’ve gained weight,” or “You know, you don’t look as good as you used to.”
They oftentimes set you up so they can tear you down later on. That’s part of the gaslighting; it’s confusing. It feels great to be complimented, but then when that compliment is used against you later on, because they have no empathy.
That’s one of the things to understand about narcissists: to truly understand what a stark lack of empathy they have. They do not feel the need to make others feel good; they don’t get anything from that. Most of us, when we make somebody else feel good, we like knowing people are happy. That’s why we give each other gifts and things like that; we like making people feel good, or at least those of us that are emotionally functioning the way that we’re supposed to be. Narcissists are lacking this piece; empathy just isn’t there, and it’s very hard to wrap your mind around that if you’ve never been with a narcissist or if you’ve never really studied narcissists because you would just assume everybody gets something out of that, but they truly don’t.
Read More: 10 Signs You Are Having S£x With a Narcissist.
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