Number 2: Don’t tell them that they are gaslighting you.
I know you are thinking this is similar to the first thing I told you to not say, but it’s not entirely because, frankly, no gaslighter thinks that they are gaslighting. They really don’t. There is an almost delusional quality to narcissism. They believe their hype. They believe they are communicating clearly. They are entitled enough to believe that they get to have the upper hand. And they don’t think there should be consequences for their behavior, because they, of course, should never have to face consequences. And they don’t think their behavior is bad in the first place. So telling them that they are doing something like gaslighting, it doesn’t work.
Gaslighting is a tactic. It’s not them lying. It’s not having a difference of opinion. It’s a way for them to overpower, destabilize you, and keep you down. But it’s part of a larger approach of them truly believing that they are right and you are wrong. So there’s no front door into fixing this or to fixing the delusion they maintain. And calling out a gaslighter is just that. It’s walking through the front door and trying to address this delusion. If you do call them out for gaslighting, they will simply gaslight harder. Or they will do what I call the ultimate play in gaslighting: they will threaten to abandon you.
Recommended Book: How To Kill A Narcissist: Debunking The Myth Of Narcissism And Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse.
Now, if you don’t care that they’re going to walk away from you, that may not matter to you. In fact, it’s a really great position to be in. But you’re still in the relationship with them. So it’s quite likely that their threats of abandonment may hit hard. You may want to have this conversation, but you may not be ready for the relationship to end. You may still be stuck in a trauma bond. Just because you know it’s gaslighting doesn’t mean that you’re not trauma-bonded. Whatever it is, don’t say it. Don’t tell them they’re gaslighting you. It doesn’t work. The key is for you to know that you are being gaslighted so you don’t keep engaging, so you touch into your reality, you know your truth, you step out of it, and don’t go down the rabbit hole.
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