Number 3: Don’t tell them that you think that they can never change.
You may glom onto this idea that narcissistic folks love a challenge. Like, maybe if I tell them they’re never going to change, they’ll change. It’s like you’re baiting them, calling them out, hoping that they will absorb the challenge and try to change. You know the narcissistic person is inherently oppositional, and they will always fight back on anything you ask them to do just for the sake of holding their ground and exercising their freedom. If you tell them to do something, they will commit to not doing it. If you tell them they can’t do something, they may then believe that you’ll believe that they will take that as an oppositional call to action and they will do it. Probably not.
First of all, if they try to prove it, they’re wrong and they can change, anything they do would probably be hollow and performative. It would be at them first angrily insisting that there’s no reason for them to change that. You’re the one with the problem. But then saying, “Okay, so tell me what to change. Tell me how to be different.” And you may say, “Well, you’re narcissistic, you can’t change.” And they’ll say, “Tell me, tell me what to change.” And you may tell them, “Don’t gaslight me, don’t compare me to other people, don’t lie to me, stop making this relationship only about you, empty the dishwasher, whatever your thing is with them.” And maybe it’s all the things I just said. And first, they’re going to say to you, “Oh, come on, you are so sensitive.” Or they’ll say, “I don’t do those things.” So I can’t change them. If you want to know why narcissists won’t change, here are 5 reasons.
Recommended Book: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
But then, as part of this call to action, they may try. They may try to actually start being creepily nice to you or offering to show you their phone every day. “I’m not talking to anyone, see?” Or emptying the dishwasher and folding the laundry and making a big deal out of showing all of what they’re doing to you. And you will be suspicious. But it also may mess you up because even if they do these things for a few days, it may play on that existing seed of doubt. They may even go into therapy. But frankly, it’s all a big sort of future-faking setup. They may only do these things, the changes as it were, to prove you wrong, not to make real, sustained changes, not actually reflecting or acknowledging or taking responsibility that their behavior hurt you. They may make these changes and even be a little icky about it. “Okay, so look at that. I didn’t gaslight you. Did I say it nice enough for you?” So you’re left with these superficial changes and the same sort of can’t-quite-put-a-name-on-it cruelty that they’re still engaging with you. It’s still lurking underneath the surface of their behavior.
The challenge with narcissism is that they do have more control over their behavior than you think. But making them change without recognizing the deeper issues or the impact it has on you or the willingness to take responsibility, that’s not really change. It’s a circus act. But if it keeps you in the relationship longer, then it’s kind of backfired. Some folks may also use this, “I don’t think you can change,” as a tactic. Again, the narcissistic person may rally for a little while, but the tactic will always run out quickly, and you’re still in the same invalidating mess.
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