Number 4: Don’t tell the narcissistic person that you don’t forgive them.
It’s not even just narcissistic folks; don’t do this to anyone you don’t forgive. Because, as I’ve been talking about lately, you know the world is sort of obsessed with forgiveness. No matter what the bad thing a person did to someone, somehow we train our wrath on the person who didn’t forgive rather than the person who did the bad thing. We drink up stories where people had terrible things happen, like their child was killed by a drunk driver, and they say they forgave that person, and we think that’s virtuous. That’s their process. It doesn’t make it better or worse. Forgiveness is a deeply personal decision, and it is not a requirement for healing. It is often a bad idea in narcissistic relationships, where you keep forgiving, they keep behaving badly, and over time you start blaming yourself more and more, feeling foolish. And they actually may amp up their bad behavior because they believe they can get away with more and more.
But when you roll up and say, “I do not forgive you,” it doesn’t do anything. They don’t get hurt or mad or say, “Oh no, I better clean up my act so I get forgiven.” They will either turn around and call you cold, small-minded, petty, unloving, or unforgiving, or even call you a narcissist, or roll their eyes. But then they get their reinforcements through the enablers, who will weigh in and say that you’re the one who’s being cruel and cold because you’re not forgiving. Nobody needs to know that you’re not forgiving.
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
By not forgiving the narcissist until you’re ready, if you’re ever ready, it means you’re seeing the relationship clearly. You know they’re going to do these bad things again and that you aren’t engaging in the rather important healing process of forgiving someone who’s not going to receive it as such and wasting your forgiveness just to be harmed again.
When we do these things, when we call narcissistic people out in all the ways I just said, they may make short-term changes that confuse us, that may actually amplify our self-blame, and leave us feeling more foolish and worse about ourselves. Narcissistic folks love a challenge, and after they are done gaslighting, they may try in the short term to at least prove you wrong. Now you’re even more confused. So don’t do it. Don’t call them out.
You want to say these things to someone? Tell your shrink. Tell a trusted friend. Write it in your journal. Read a book—I know one you could get. Tell your cat. Just don’t say it to the narcissist. The knowing is your power. The knowing is a reminder that workarounds are needed, and disengaging is essential. It helps with radical acceptance and holding reality and your perceptions and beliefs and feelings close in these relationships. It’s a necessity. Don’t give away your power by telling them you see it. Seeing it is the power, and then you can engage in the realistic expectations and the disengagement that will save you, so you can figure out what your decisions will be going forward.
Read More: 10 Ugly Truths About Narcissists.
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