3. It’s very transactional in feeling.
And this is only a red flag if it’s not an actual transaction. If there is some sort of transaction going on, then it should be transactional, right? But with a narcissist, it’s very much that they’re reaching out to you because they need something from you. This person may only reach out to you when they need something from you, or they may just keep their focus on that thing. If you’re not giving them what they want, they’re out. Essentially, what you’re looking for is someone who makes you feel like if you’re not doing it for them in some way, you have no value.
4. Gaslighting.
Gaslighting does not appear obvious in the beginning. So, this is something that you kind of have to be aware of. In the later stages of a relationship, somebody who’s gaslighting you is going to be very good at it because they know all the buttons to push. In the early stages, they don’t, so they’re kind of just going to be feeling around.
Now, there are two things that I want to point out here with gaslighting in the early stages of a relationship with a narcissist when you’re just texting. They may lay the groundwork for later abuse in this phase. What I’m talking about here is that they may start to label you as something that you’re really not. This is an important distinction because if you really are this thing, then it’s not gaslighting. They might label you as jealous or controlling. They might say something like, or they might text something like, “You’re a little jealous, aren’t you? But that’s okay; I find it cute.” Or, “You’re a little controlling, but I can handle it.” If you have never identified as being jealous or controlling or whatever it is that they’re putting on you, and you’ve never heard that from anyone else before, the person on the other end of this text might be gaslighting you. Just pay attention to those little things—those little labels and nicknames that they’re giving you early on. If they’re mildly insulting and/or seem out of character for who you are, that’s a red flag.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
Now, the other thing that I wanted to talk about with gaslighting early on is to pay attention to how they talk about politics and religion. If it comes up, somebody who’s really comfortable with gaslighting is going to make you feel like your views are absolutely absurd—that you are being brainwashed by whatever religion or whatever political party. They will outright tell you that you and your views are wrong; that there is only one side, there’s only one right side, and it is theirs. Most people know that the world is not so black and white, and that we can have discussions about things even if we disagree.
Now, whether you’re dealing with a narcissist or not, if somebody is doing this to you—if somebody is outright telling you that you’re wrong and you’re being brainwashed—what they’re saying is that you’re not smart enough to make your own decisions and that someone else is controlling you. You need to stop letting them control you and let this other person control you because you can’t make decisions for yourself, clearly. If you’re seeing this early on, I would take it as a blessing in disguise. So, you know what this person is all about, and you can make your decision from here.
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