6. You feel loved
“I couldn’t leave him because he was the only person who had ever told me he loved me. And when I say the only person, I mean ONLY – not my parents, not friends, or anyone. When you think you’re unlovable, you hold like all hell to the one person who does. There aren’t words for how it feels to have someone tell you that for the first time. As cheesy as it sounds, imagine you are drowning, and someone throws you a life raft. It’s like that.
And frankly, it felt like getting hit and strangled on a very occasional basis – once every few months – was a very small price to pay for that love. I felt like I had no family and when he told me, “That is okay. You can have mine,” it was a moment that hit me so hard, it still affects me, to this day when I remember it. And I did become a part of his family. I was welcomed in with cousins and brothers, and I had a community for the first time. No one had ever hugged me on a regular basis before. And he was the one who was there to help me anytime I was down. He was also crazy controlling, jealous, and occasionally violent.
It really was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, leaving him. One of the best decisions of my life, absolutely. But it was hard.”
7. You think it’s all your fault
“I have always been a sane and clear-minded individual, and I still managed to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome. I allowed myself to be beaten, raped, and my human rights taken away by a man who I did not think was smart enough to manipulate me in those ways. And I have gaps in memory from my abuse. The whole time, I remember thinking it was my fault. He made me feel like every ounce of it was my fault and my responsibility. He was confident, social, and charismatic. My friends sided with him, which even further solidified in my mind that it was just me.
Now that I’ve broken the cycle, I can look back on that time and realize how wrong it was. But you don’t realize it at the time. You strive to do better in a situation where you can never, ever win. You keep trying and trying to make your partner happy, always thinking you are the “crazy one”.
He made me fear other men. I had been raped before, and he knew that. He also pushed my boundaries, slowly, and he would ask me to help him write messages to other women he wanted to meet online. It sounds crazy, but with smaller and smaller pushes, and the right kind of manipulation, it doesn’t seem it. This whole time, I was getting straight A’s in college, and my family thought I was going to marry him. The pressure to stay with him, even after I realized it was wrong, was astronomical.”
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