8. Because they’re “a good guy”
“He would always tell me all these really mean things and I would believe and try to change myself just to please him. On the outside, he was a good man and a good father to his kids. He was so good to other people. But he needed to control me. A lot of the abuse was sexual shaming. Even when I walked away from him, I would end up telling myself I was over-reacting and go back. It took 2 years for me to finally break the cycle.”
9. You stay for the kids
“I stayed in an abusive relationship because of the kids. It was not because I thought it would be better staying as a family – I knew we would not – but because I was worried that the children would have to be alone with him for extended periods of time. He wasn’t physically abusive. It was all psychological. I was worried about what would happen if I was not there, or if he fought for custody and won. He had a high paying government job and I only had a degree.
I think I also hoped things would take a turn. Nobody wants to think their marriage has failed. Abusive people like this prey on and take advantage of a person’s existing vulnerabilities and insecurities. Once they are in your life, they try to manipulate every decision you make. You should be dependent on them.
I had threatened to leave once before when I found out I was pregnant the second time. He made promises which, of course, only lasted for so long. Once my kids were old enough – late teens and early twenties – I left and filed for divorce. It is been five and the battle still rages. He does not want to give me anything.
Two years ago, I didn’t even think I’d been abused. But I realize it now every time I hear his voice. I feel a sinking terror and helplessness whenever I have to answer a phone call from him, no matter how far away he is. He’s still stuck in my life.”
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