1. Changing a Topic of Discussion to Themselves
The daughter wants to talk to the mother about a problem the daughter is having, and somehow, the conversation becomes about a problem that the mother is having. The mother’s problem is always more important, more serious, worse, and sometimes even caused by the daughter. This is also fairly common.
So the daughter says: “I’m having trouble focusing, getting things done, and life is hectic.” And the mother says: “I know the feeling. It’s exactly how I felt when I was raising you because you would never listen.” “You always wanted to do things your own way.” “You never understood how I felt.” The daughter was looking for support or advice, not criticism. But criticism is what she found. There’s the sense on the part of the daughter. There’s this thought, like, how this conversation even gets here? So that’s the first sign of diversion to a topic related to the narcissistic mother.
2. Competing With The Daughter.
We see this expressed in a lot of different ways, where the mother hits on the daughter’s boyfriends. They compete for the love of the daughter’s father. There is a sense that the daughter will never be good enough for the mother or as accomplished as the mother.
This sets up this competition. The mother treats the daughter as if the daughter is inferior, specifically an inferior version of the mother, a version that never really lived up to the mother.
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