#2: Now let’s talk about when respect means submission.
By now you’ve probably stopped just nodding along to their version of events and started asking questions that do not have clean answers. Maybe you’ve even committed the cardinal sin of being true to yourself and your beliefs around a narcissist. And you don’t have to get loud or argumentative. The simple act of questioning a story that doesn’t make sense is enough to set them off because the narcissist sets the rules. And you’re going to be labeled as disrespectful, useless, or stupid if you don’t agree with them.
Unfortunately, after months or years of their gaslighting, your sense of self might be in a fragile place. When they point out all the reasons why you’re wrong and they’re right and how maybe you’re not smart enough to see it their way, you might start believing them. Or if you dare to bring supporting evidence to validate your points, you’re going to be labeled as disloyal and probably argumentative. They get to play the victim while painting you as the problem. Because in their world, respect means that you don’t rock the boat and you don’t shine a light on what’s really happening.
And that’s how they appear to keep the moral high ground, even when crossing every single line behind the scenes. So, if you’ve ever felt like telling the truth makes you the villain, hey, you’re on to something because you’ve stopped playing by their rules.
Suggested Book: It’s Not You _ Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.
#3: Now let’s talk about when boundaries are called abuse.
Because they so often are by abusive people, aren’t they? Abusive people hate boundaries because they limit their access to you. And when they have limited access, they have limited control. They can’t rewrite history when you’ve blocked their access. Let’s look at a silly example because this can help drive the point home. Let’s say you always have an argument about them leaving the cap off the toothpaste. They have their own toothpaste, yet they always use yours and leave the cap off.
You start to think that maybe they’re not even using it. They’re just taking the cap off in a passive aggressive effort to get under your skin. So, you set a boundary. That’s your toothpaste. And they’re not allowed to touch it. So, what happens then? Of course, they use it more often and they leave the cap off more often because, let’s be real, a narcissist isn’t just going to do what you want them to do, but they’ll tell you that they’ve respected your boundary and they aren’t touching your toothpaste. It must be you. In fact, you are probably doing it all along and blaming them for it. So, you stand firmer in your boundary. And this part is important.
Most people give up on boundaries after the first breach. Instead, this is time for you to double down. And we’re not going to get petty and start doing the same thing to their toothpaste to see how they like it. That’s really just playing into their hand. Instead, think about what you can control in order to make sure you get what you want. In this example, you hide it from them or you lock it up in a place that they can’t access. And just like that, the problem is solved.
And sure, it’s a little less convenient for you when you brush your teeth, but they can no longer gaslight you about that particular behavior. But of course, it doesn’t stop there because they’ll call your actions unnecessary or petty, and they’ll use it as an example of how little you trust them. But if they weren’t messing with you on purpose, they wouldn’t even notice that you hid the dang toothpaste.
Really, what they’re hoping for is that you’ll do what most people do in that scenario and back down as soon as they push back. Because every time you do that, even with little stuff like the toothpaste, you’re teaching them that they don’t have to respect you and you don’t have a right to set boundaries with them.
Related: 3 Signs a Narcissist Is Losing Control.
Continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!
