Number 1: Boasting.
Where grandiose narcissists typically boast openly about their achievements, a covert narcissist tends to brag more subtly, but they still want you to know every great thing they’ve ever accomplished, every important person they’ve ever associated with, how much money they make, how high their IQ is, and every cool thing they’ve ever done. They do this in a more indirect way by dropping hints or making veiled references to their accomplishments and associations. Regardless of the type of narcissist, their underlying motivation is the same—to seek validation and admiration.
Now, obviously, if someone occasionally shares their successes, it doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist. But if they’re constantly going on about how special and important they are and looking for your validation, whether it’s in direct or indirect ways, then it is a warning sign.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
Number 2: Gossiping and Bashing.
Covert narcissists are constantly gossiping and bashing others as a way to elevate themselves. In some twisted way, putting people down makes them feel superior. They talk badly about family members and friends, and they will smear the reputation of exes and colleagues. They will even say mean things about strangers. No one is safe. They just can’t get enough of trash-talking and triangulating others. If you try to say something positive or change the subject, they will undermine your positivity or act like you took what they said the wrong way, saying things like, “I didn’t mean it that way.”
A covert narcissist often gossips, bashes others, and plants seeds of doubt, disguising it as a concern. For example, “Oh, poor Jenny! I feel so bad that her husband cheated on her. But you know, she gained all that weight.” If you say something like, “Well, I don’t really think it’s fair to associate his affair with her weight gain,” a covert narcissist will respond, “That’s not what I meant; I was just saying that you know I can understand.” But then, they go right back to trash-talking and fishing for gossip.
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