Truth #1: The narcissist’s profession of love is not really love.
When a narcissist says that they love you, they don’t really mean they love you. What they mean is they love your admiration. Or, if they say they like you, maybe in a business situation, again, it’s the same thing. They like for you to admire them.
When we have a love relationship with someone, or if we have a liking relationship with someone, we appreciate who they are and what they bring to the equation. We like knowing about them, and even as we find some of their faults or flaws or mistakes, we think to ourselves, “Well, this is a way for me to show that I have a loyalty that goes beyond just everything being conditional and having to fit into place.” The narcissist isn’t thinking that way. When they’re looking at you thinking, “Do I love you or do I like you?” what they’re really thinking is, “How can I get you to fill my narcissistic supply?” They need to be important, and they need to feel like folks out there have their back and that people out there really hold them in high esteem.
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
So, their approach towards love or connection is much different. It’s all about making themselves look better and feel better. As you engage with people like this, you’ll have to accept that it’s an ugly truth because you may go into that relationship thinking, “I want to connect with you by just knowing you more fully, and I want to be an affirming presence in your life.” That’s the style I think. But the narcissist doesn’t think that way. Love and like are not a matter of truly admiring you; it’s about making them feel better, and that’s the only thing that really matters.
Truth #2: They are not interested in problem-solving.
Narcissists are not terribly interested in problem-solving. If there’s a strain between the two of you, then instead of saying, “Why don’t we put our thoughts out there, mine and yours, and let’s see if we can find a good middle ground?” instead, they’re interested in finding advantages. If there’s a problem here, then that means you’ve been put into a vulnerable position, and they’re going to try to somehow or another make themselves better than you. So, they’re going to pick, pick, pick at whatever difficulty is there. A difference between the two of you is automatically interpreted as your defect. Let’s find out what that’s all about.
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