Truth #3: As narcissists ask personal questions…
It’s a close corollary to that, and that is when narcissists ask personal questions, they’re not doing so for the sake of understanding you more fully. They’re actually trying to gather data against you. They’re trying to figure out who you are and what your pluses and minuses are so that at the appropriate time, they can come back and use it in their favor and in your disfavor.
For example, let’s suppose that you’re getting to know somebody who, it turns out, has a strong narcissistic bent. They ask you about your background, who you’ve been with, what kind of work you’ve done, or activities you’ve had. You can tell them all sorts of things about who you are and your history. Then, they may start going in and asking for more personal questions, which is normal. Normal people do that too. But let’s suppose they say, “Well, when that happened, that didn’t seem to work out real well. What was really going on there?” You, in your honesty, may say, “Well, I don’t really feel like I handled it well,” or “I wish that I could have done things differently.” They can seem interested at the time, only for you to find out later on that they were kind of gathering bullets to shoot against you.
Recommended Book: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
“Oh, you remember when you told me about this situation? Yeah, I figured out pretty quickly that you’re defective, or you do things wrong, or you try to make yourself sound like you’re a terrific person, but I know better.” Gathering information doesn’t generate understanding; it gives them power over you. It’s kind of sad to think that somebody would think that way.
Truth #4: You’re not the only person who has been manipulated.
You are not the only person that the narcissist is going to treat with manipulation. Over time, whether it’s somebody inside your family, somebody that you wind up dating or living with or being married to, or somebody that you work with, you may be thinking, “Why are you treating me this way? Why are you handling things in such a rotten way towards me?” You may, in fact, see them treating other people in a much more friendly, accommodating way, but make no mistake, you’re not the only person that’s ever been on the receiving end of narcissistic condemnation or invalidation. They may be a little bit more selective based on how vulnerable they think you might be, but the narcissist isn’t just singling you out, and you have to keep that in mind. You’re not that unique, I need to tell you, because that’s just what they do. They invalidate.
So, rather than thinking, “What’s so bad about me that they would do this?” it’s not about you. It’s about their character, and it’s about how they engage with people. That’s an ugly truth, but it’s a truth that you need to learn to accommodate.
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