#4: Autonomy.
A fourth thing that can be crazy-making for that narcissist is your autonomy. You see, as time goes by, you’re going to, at some point, let the narcissist know through one form or another, “Hey, I want to make choices for myself,” and then they’re over there thinking, “Wait a minute, who said you could think about that? I’m the one who’s supposed to have the knowledge, the corner on all knowledge. You need to just do what I want you to do.” And if you don’t, that means you’re being disobedient or somehow rebellious, and you’re thinking, “No, I just want to make choices.” Your autonomy, and your desire to be your own separate person, can create a type of panic on the inside. Some of these are really large and in-charge kind of people, and they don’t look panicked, but that’s what’s going on inside. It’s like, “I have to be in charge; you have to be subordinate.”
So we have these four issues: disruption, complexity, inclusion, autonomy, and those are crazy-making issues for the narcissist. Then, as they’re having to come to terms with all that, here’s where they can go in such a way that can make life difficult for you. As they struggle to come to terms with these issues, they have all sorts of thoughts that are going through their mind, and I want to run through a bunch of them here. In trying to deal with these four issues, the narcissist is thinking, “I must neutralize you. I must show you who’s boss. I must break your spirit. I must turn other people’s opinions against you. I must exaggerate your mistakes.”
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
They’ll do so in the hopes that it can just make you that much more ashamed of who you are. “I must remind you of your obligations to me. I must keep you from being fully you; that’s not allowed around here. I must fit you into my mold. I must punish you for being separate from me. I must have your loyalty. I must have the final word.” Are you ever in the presence of someone who thinks that way, and then they come across with those “musts”? When you notice that that’s what they’re thinking and they’re communicating with you, it can bring out a lot of strain and tension on the inside of you, and what I don’t want to happen is for you to get pulled into the counterflow.
How to respond?
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