Number 1: Do not call them a narcissist.
And we can add to that list: do not call them a psychopath, a sociopath, a covert narcissist—you get the idea. Just don’t do it. I know that the day you finally get it, that you have a name for what is happening in the relationship, that day that you finally have their number, that you’re done with their manipulative BS, and recognize that they are nothing more than an insecure child in charismatic wolf’s clothing, you want to tell them, “I see you and I see you clearly.” You just want to pull their charming mask off and you want other people to know it too. Don’t do it.
Recommended: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
There are a few reasons for this:
- The first reason: just because you call them out as narcissistic, it’s not like it’s kryptonite or a bucket of water on the wicked witch. It’s not like you’re going to shut them down or make them melt. They are still masterful gaslighters and blame-shifters, and if you call them out as narcissistic, it will come back at you. And if they are skilled manipulators, by the time they are done, you will believe that you’re the one who’s narcissistic, disloyal, cruel, or mean. So that’s reason number one.
- Reason number two is the enablers, because they’re going to jump on it too, and now you’re the bad one for saying that that person’s narcissistic. Because after all, maybe the narcissistic person was just going through a tough day or had a tough life, and saying this is so judgmental, etc., etc., you know the drill. Knowing that someone is narcissistic and not saying it to them, that’s the real power. It helps you slowly drift toward radical acceptance. It helps you develop better strategies to cope and respond. It helps you get towards slowly undoing the cycle of self-blame. And above all, it stops you from going to an empty well and trying to get water out of it.
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