Boundary check #1: Time.
To see if they can cross your time boundaries, they might ask something like, “What are you doing this afternoon?” That’s the setup. You might say something like, “I don’t really have anything planned,” or “I’m pretty worn out and I’m just looking to go home and relax.” Your response is the boundary. Now they’ll want to see how flimsy this boundary is and they want to see if they can manipulate you into allowing them to cross it. They need your time to reinforce their fragile self-image, so they apply as little pressure as possible to see how easily and quickly you’ll bend, showing them how useful you’ll be to them. They might take a beat or maybe even change the subject before trying to get you to change your plans. They might say, “Oh, that’s a bummer. There’s a great band playing tonight at the club,” or at work, they might say, “I’m really stressed about this project and I need your input.” Their test is first to see if there is a boundary around your time and then to check if you’re willing to change it.
A Book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Boundary check #2: Attention.
To see if they can cross your attention boundaries, they’ll wait for the moment when you’re focused on something else. You might be in a conversation, texting someone, or listening to a presentation, and that’s the setup—your attention is elsewhere. Remember, you own your stream of attention, and there’s an invisible line between you and your focus. They might say something like, “Hey, I just need to ask you something real quick,” or they might tap your shoulder, or they may come into your space to see if they can break your concentration. They might talk over your conversation or stand in between you and the TV show you’re watching. This is a test to see if they can divert your attention to feed their need for narcissistic supply.
Boundary check #3: Energy.
To see if they can cross your energy boundaries, which includes anything that depletes your health and resources, they might target your financial, physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental health. Even though this might sound really difficult to test for, narcissists have spent their whole lives honing these skills and are very adaptive at finding ways to get their needs met. So, this setup is easy to miss. They might forget their wallet, they might forget you asked for a day off, or act confused when you explain that your feelings are hurt, or insist that you get upset with them over their latest drama. The setup is to put you in an extremely uncomfortable position if you don’t give them your energy.
Related: 5 Clues to Spot a Narcissist in Conversation.
For example, if they forget their wallet, you have to decide whether to protect your energy (monetary currency) or face an uncomfortable situation. This is the boundary violation—they push against the invisible line of what’s yours and try to make it theirs. The same goes for forgetting the day off. They put you in a position where you must spend energy explaining or working. This double bind is so uncomfortable that we often give in just to make it go away, and we might think that we didn’t explain the boundary well enough or that it’s our responsibility to have better boundaries. But here’s the deal—they always know where the boundary line is. They are simply checking to see if you will uphold it.
What is the 5-second test?
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