Number 4: The blame lies with them.
Narcissists will try to blame you for everything, but you are not at fault. Nothing you could ever do would justify their destructive behavior. In other words, you did not cause this yourself. On the surface level, you might think that, well, I should have seen it coming, or I should have left earlier, or I should have believed them when they showed their darkest side. But it’s not easy when you are in the trenches of it. When you are in a fog, you do not have the clarity. You do not have the sources that you have now. You do not have the space that you have now to think about these things.
Recommended: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
Most importantly, you do not have the knowledge that you have now to differentiate between truth and untruth. You are able to say these things because now you are capable of doing things. You have done something already, and now you say you should have done that. But when it’s happening to you, you do not know what is going on. As human beings, we try to hold on to hope, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, especially when it comes to people that we love the most. For example, as parents, we want to hold on to this facade, to this fantasy about this person so that we do not have to face the pain.
Related: 10 Ways to Scare a Narcissist Out of Your Life.
All in all, I would say you tried your best. You did what you could at that moment. So blaming yourself now is not a fruitful thing to do. It is not something that would help you in your recovery because they chose to insult, lie and deceive you to gain power. When you begin to doubt yourself, remind yourself that you are not to blame. You have to be extremely compassionate towards yourself. They projected every flaw they had onto you. The way they see you is who they are. As explained earlier, tell yourself things like I tried everything I could to make our relationship amazing. I can’t control the behavior of others and I am not who they define me as.
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