When someone comes close to the lines around your time, attention, or your energy, you are going to smile and say, “No, I’m not available for that,” or “That doesn’t work for me.” For example, in the time boundary scenario, after they say something like, “Oh, bummer, there’s a great band that’s playing at the club tonight,” you’re going to be friendly and also give a dead-end “no.” Then you’re going to watch what they do. If they have a false smile and are trying to manipulate you, their face will immediately change. Their smile will immediately fall away. They might even become more calculated and up the pressure to see if you’re going to bend. An escalation might sound like, “Oh, I have these two tickets and I’d feel terrible about letting them go to waste.” They are testing you here and then you test back—friendly and engaging, and repeat the boundary, “I’m not available.”
Recommended Book: How To Kill A Narcissist: Debunking The Myth Of Narcissism And Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse.
If someone is trying to violate an attention boundary, refuse to give away your power by taking control of the interruption. If you’re talking to a friend and someone interrupts, say something like, “Pardon the interruption,” to your friend and then shift the attention to the possible narcissist, “I’m in a conversation right now,” and then go back to your friend. If you’re watching a show, press pause and say, “I’m watching this right now.” The strategy here is to name the boundary violation, making it clear that they are interrupting, that your attention is your asset, and that you’re going to protect it. Do not give them your attention, and instead take an empowered stance with a friendly, firm “no” or “I’m already focused on a specific task,” or “I can’t take that on right now.” Again, you’re going to watch their response—see if their face shifts, see if they have any remorse for the interruption, or if they escalate.
You’ll test for energy boundary violation in a similar way. This one really comes down to a matter of how long you’re willing to be uncomfortable. If they forgot their wallet, you’re going to say something like, “No problem, you can Venmo me,” and then you’re going to lightly smile and wait. This might be super uncomfortable—in fact, a narcissist is counting on the fact that you’d rather pay their bill than have to endure this discomfort. If they’re having some sort of emotional tantrum trying to bait you into an energetic investment, refuse to give your emotional energy. Refuse to meet them in their tantrum space and give them a way to interact in a way that isn’t violating your boundary. Remain calm and friendly and say something like, “I trust that you know what’s best for you,” or “I’m confident that you’ll figure this out.” It’s the emotional equivalent of not paying their share of the bill—you politely refuse to engage in the tantrum.
Read More: 5 Weird Eating Habits of a Narcissist.
Just remember, this is a test. They’re pushing your boundaries to see if you will uphold them. This is like a game of chicken, so sit tight and wait to see what happens. Regardless of the situation, this test relies on your ability to spot the boundary violation and then to remain calm and friendly and be willing to be uncomfortable while you wait for the reaction. Remember, do not apologize—that shows that if they work hard enough, they can get you to bend. Do not explain—that gives them more information to use against you. Do not justify—that shows them that you’re uncomfortable saying no.
How to use the 5-second test?
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